[Feb 5, 2012:  This article relates my effort to commit the ultimate act of altar sacrifice in order to obey Jesus' command of "Follow Me." Over a twelve day period, I struggled with the problem of making my sacrifice real, as a suicide. Finally, I did not do it; I try to explain my feelings, goal, hopes, and frustrations here. I realize this was very radical, what most people would call "crazy." But, it had me wrestling with God in a very real way. In reflection, I think my motivation is partly a disgust with the Lukewarm religion which "talks a good line but does no real action." I assure you that this was not just talk; I really did intend to complete my offering as a real action. The world seems fresher to me now, rain sweeter, winter more friendly, my body lighter. I feel less anchored. I feel renewed.]

Is suicide wrong? By "wrong," I mean evil, unGodly; is suicide contrary to God’s will?

The Bible does not speak against suicide, and Jesus does seem to be suggesting it as an action toward leaving this world in order to follow Him. Actually, Jesus nearly commands it, as I will explain below. Of course, suicide suffers a terrible stigma among Christian religionists. A fundamentalist friend declares that a suicide sends one straight to hell. There is a commandment against killing, which I will discuss later on this page.

Religion is pro-life, along with its many doctrines which directly contradict things which Jesus stated clearly. By "pro-life," I mean the natural human instinct for survival, to protect and prolong physical life at nearly any cost. Religion exalts a worldly good-life. Ironically, religion, in the name of Jesus, is so opposite from Jesus’ teachings that any sensible person should be wary of anything that it preaches, including its pro-life stance. When Jesus calls us to Life, He means capital "L" Life in the coming Kingdom of God. This human "life" is something which Jesus sometimes calls "death." A spiritual person must understand there are two meanings for this word. For a discussion of the conflict between religion and Jesus, here is a link.

If you have read my works about Liberation during the past couple years, you know that I exalt most highly the millions of martyrs who died tortured deaths rather than recant their faith in Jesus. They could have saved their lives, but they chose the other path, that lonely upward path to the high altar upon which they gave themselves as living sacrifices. They are with their Father now because they followed their Lord deliberately as they did. I think they understood Jesus' command to take up one's cross and follow Him as a command to DO something toward one's death. God doesn't favor one who fears death and waits for old age or some act of violence to take his life. Jesus is commanding one to DO some action toward following Him away from this world.

Let’s consider Jesus’ trek up that hill to His cross. First, He goaded the Edomite Jews into killing Him by telling them their Father was not God but the devil. He exposed them as a race of people whose Father is not God, a teaching which the Christian religion refuses to address. In other words, Jesus engineered His own death. While in Capernaum, He told His friends that if He went to Jerusalem He would be killed. His brothers dared Him, mockingly, to go. He went to Jerusalem! He simply arranged for someone else to kill him. If one draws a gun on police officers so that they shoot him, that is called "suicide by cop." Perhaps Jesus’ death can be called "suicide by Jews." He had told them they were murderers doing the will of their father, Satan. He DID something to cause His death.

Now, listen to Jesus speaking to His closest friends after His resurrection, as recorded by His brother, James, in the Apocryphon of James:

        I’ve included the above quotation in other articles previously written; it is from the Nag Hammadi collection which was discovered in 1945, buried in the Egyptian sands near the ancient Pharao tombs. The Roman church destroyed all such writings during the early centuries, but a few of the precious works were preserved by God for the end times, for our time, now. In previous writings I argued that Jesus was not encouraging suicide because that would be contrary to the rest of the Bible. I could make no Biblical case for that argument, except that we all commonly believe self-murder is wrong. In order to argue against suicide, I had to slip conveniently past Jesus’ words, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death."

If you’ve read my Liberation pieces, you know that I yearn to exit this earth stage. I desire that with an intense longing which would be difficult to put into words. The reality of God’s Divine Plan is very REAL to me; it is not speculative conjecture. I’ve been shown intellectually what John saw visually in his revelations. I know the reality of God’s program. My reality is not this world.

This kingdom of World is not my home; it is a hostile land of material and emotional anguish, fears, greed, lies, and hate. It is the pig-pen of God’s prodigals. Here is how I see the problem: there is no reward for being killed and cast out of the pig-pen to rot like any other piece of meat. God welcomes one who deliberately, courageously, enthusiastically, leaves the pig-pen and slams the gate behind him. Rather than fearing death, the prodigal seeks it with a passion. THAT is what Jesus told His disciples in the quotation above! One must DO something to exit this world stage.

If I prolong my life in order to suffer debilitation from the aging process, hoping to die peacefully in my bed, then I have not exited this stage by my own power or will. If I try to preserve this life, believing that even misery is better than the alternative, then I certainly have not followed Jesus by my own determination. Such pro-life people are not Martyrs (word means witnesses) for a Lord who commands them to take up their crosses and DO something to follow Him.

The question before me right now, as I am aging and losing my vision, is whether I should deliberately exit this stage while I am still able to do it, or should I wait for nature to take me. The first is a willful act in defiance of any fear of death; the second is nothing different from the death of an insect.

I knew an old man, a close friend, who was fond of saying that if he knew he was going to die, he would take his gun and shoot some politicians in order to do some good for the world. I watched him get sick and over many months of misery lay in his bed until he finally died in his own soiled bedding. Well, that is one point of view, that one might do something beneficial for the world before exiting the stage.

For me, to achieve my own death is a thrilling contemplation. I think of it as being like a young man going excitedly to visit a girl with whom I had fallen deeply in love. I think of it in comparison to a fledgling bird which walks out onto a branch and, never having flown before, launches into mid-air. It feels compelled to do that. It deliberately loosed its grip of the branch and sprang forward; no one pushed it and it did not accidentally fall. I think of death as a door which opens, not one which closes. I think of it as a return to my Palace Home from the pig-pen. It is my compulsive-instinct to exit this pig-pen, slamming the gate behind me, and launching into that promise of my Father that He awaits me. It is a powerful force from within me, a spirit-being-son of the Almighty God, which compels me toward my Father who beckons. It is a joyous victory which is available to one who will DO something toward it.

Now, I ask you to consider whether you would advise me to stay in the World pig-pen or to run Home to my beckoning Father.

Isn’t it strange how our "Christian" people sing about going to heaven and then wail when a loved-one goes? We have many beautiful songs about the transition, but the songs seem unable to affect religion’s lament over death. This excerpt from the song, "Going Home," is meaningful to me:

Well, there you have it. I, Roger Hathaway, am confronting a question of serious consequence, whether or not I believe God’s promises, whether I believe Jesus, and whether I will act upon my beliefs. A gun, a pill, a knife, alcohol, hypothermia in the snow? I’ve seen them all as a police officer. The pain is so brief and the reward so prolonged! To really ACT because of my beliefs will make my action a testimony of my belief. The ACT becomes my Witness, without which my words might be but sounding brass and tinkling cymbals.

My epitaph: "A WISP OF WIND GONE ON"

Jesus said, "If anyone desires to follow me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life on account of Me will find it. For what is a man profited if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?"  (Matthew 16:24)

Jesus said,   "He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for life eternal. Anyone who serves Me must follow Me, and where I am, there will My servant be."  (John 12:25)

Jesus said, "Go sell your possessions and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me." (Matthew 19:21)

Jesus said, take nothing for the journey, neither staffs nor purse nor bread nor money." (Luke 9:3)

Jesus' brother, James, said, "Do you know that friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whoever wants to be a friend of the world has made himself an enemy of God." (James 4:4)

St. Paul understood Jesus' words, as he wrote to those at Corinth, "flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor will corruption inherit incorruption."  (I Cor 15:50)

Jesus said, "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life." (Mat 19:29)

Clearly, to leave everyone and everything to follow Jesus is the assignment. Where did He go? He struggled upward a difficult path in order to step through the door of humiliation and death into the Kingdom of God; He beckons us to follow Him. The victory is obtained by willing your own death; if you refuse, you lose. Those millions of martyrs at crosses and burning stakes, through history, are with Him now because they followed Him through that door of Liberation from this world. He showed the Way; it is up to each of us to follow! The end of the Age has arrived.

My conclusion is that Death is the door to Life if one will achieve it with determination and faith. In the Jerusalem of Jesus' time, and for the next couple centuries, there was a political system which pursued and killed His followers. In our time, governments do not kill Christians openly but they do work covertly toward the same end. Politicians have learned that Martyrs are more dangerous after death than when they were alive. So, if one is to follow Jesus' command to die to this world, he must undertake the task himself. He said, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death." All of the other passages which are quoted above are consistent with this teaching. Of course, there is a commandment against killing, with which I agree as it pertains to killing another person, or even to killing oneself if done from weakness or despair. I think it is quite a different thing to kill oneself as an act of Liberation from this world, offering oneself as a living sacrifice, in order to heed our Lord's command to follow Him. Right now, my problem is how to achieve this on my own, without first attacking a government anti-Christ enemy.

The life which I want to offer has been an exciting adventure. Here is a little summary of it, with some discussion of My Last Chapter.

We have arrived at the end-times, the very ending of the World kingdom, when Satan is defeated and Christ takes command. I want to follow my Lord into that new kingdom, where my flesh and blood cannot go. Therefore, I must do whatever is necessary to shed this physical anchor.

A new paradigm is being set forth, as occurs with the coming of each new age. At the start of the age of Aries (Lamb), Abraam instituted a new religion focused toward veneration of the Lamb. At the end of Aries, Jesus completed that age by His sacrifice as the Lamb of God. During Aries, an animal was sacrificed as a substitute for man. Then, Jesus initiated the age of Pisces (Fish) with an emphasis upon Fish, which serve as a symbol of the Elect which the Great Fisherman came to catch for His Father. During the age of Pisces, it was not substitutes but men on the sacrificial altars, being crucified, thrown to lions, pierced with swords, etc. [my use of the word "men" includes women] God's own Family members were being gathered, like fish into nets, at least those individuals who had the courage to stand boldly and refuse to recant. Now, at the end of Pisces, the paradigm is shifting from death by other hands to that of personal willing sacrifice by one's own hand. The last of the Fish to be gathered must demonstrate their ultimate act of faith by exiting the World stage by their own hands. Our society has always accepted martyrdom as noble when it was done to us by our enemies. Essentially, it was okay if someone else kills you, but not okay if you do it yourself. I see the new paradigm as one of increasing personal responsibility, that one should Witness (martyr) from his own belief rather than waiting to be forced by others. In the new kingdom, each of the Elect must demonstrate the courage of his own convictions, forthrightly, rather than goading others to do the job.

The Nag Hammadi Gospels were preserved by God for this time, now, at the end of the age of Pisces, the end of 12,000 years of World. In one of the books, The Aprocryphon of James (Jesus' brother), we find Jesus saying, "the kingdom of God belongs to those who put themselves to death."  The paradigm seems to be shifting to keynote the start of the age of Aquarius.

Friends, what I am telling you is that you, too, must answer the same question - IF you wish to follow Jesus. We already know that the end-time chaos will kill nearly every one of us anyway. Each must consider whether he will await an unwelcome slaughter or shall he step forth boldly to witness of his belief by undertaking the task for himself, to do it with joyous enthusiasm in order to obtain the reward which God has promised. As for me, I am settling all accounts that I can, in preparation for taking my own life. I know where I am going; I'm going Home. Each must confront the reality of this question for himself.

by Roger Hathaway, 1/21/2012        RETURN TO HOMEPAGE

Generally, we like to think that Jesus was a victim of Jewish authorities and Roman soldiers, but He says that no one took His life from Him, because He laid it down of his own accord. His words are at John 10:17 — "The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again.

When a person draws a toy gun against a police officer and gets killed, that is called "suicide by cop." When one purposely steps in front of a truck, society might excuse it as an accident, but it was a suicide. Because Jesus admitted that He set up His own death (He did it by exposing the Temple Jews as Edomite sons of the devil) we could  call that "suicide by Jews." In all such cases, the "victim" did a suicide just as one might do a "suicide by gun." Culpability is absolute.

Christian religionists are probably unanimous that suicide is a damning sin. But, their narrow and exclusive definition is not supported by Scripture, neither by text nor by example. When cornered in such a debate, a Christian will likely turn to the commandment that Thou shalt not kill, and then claim that suicide is self-murder.

My argument is that a doctrinal law against all killing CANNOT be absolute because killing IS justified in many cases and even encouraged by God throughout Old Testament history. Death by stoning was a punishment for some sins such as adultery, sorcery, mediums, homosexuals, et al. And recorded human history is largely a record of wars upon wars, much of it being Israelites against enemies and Israelites against factions within the Family.

Look at the many statements of Jesus which seem to exalt Death, along with His general commands to hate this world and to die to it. He came into the world to achieve first, a reparation of the breach of Old Covenant, second, to secure a New Covenant (Hebrews 8), and then to command His sheep to Follow Him. Where did He go? To death, of course. And look at His statement regarding why the Father loves Him! "The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again." Isn’t that the very reason that I want to lay down my life, to take it up again in God’s presence, in those mansions which Jesus went ahead to prepare?

Jesus said that He had authority to lay down His life. Can I say that I don’t have the same authority? How can I know that I am not commanded to follow Him in the same way, a deliberate suicide, by cross, by pyre, by gun, by knife, by whatever, while I feel so strongly that I am commanded/called? Along this line, I really must consider that I have the same authority IF I feel so compelled to follow Him in the same way. Actually, Jesus goes out of His way to emphasize that we are equal to Him as children of the same Father. In John 17 He prays that we may be One with Him just as He is One with the Father. If I yield myself to the Holy Spirit guidance and dedicate myself to such agreement with Jesus, and will myself to walk the same path, then to what might I attribute this unworldly and radical attitude? To the work of the Father’s Spirit within me, of course, else I would not even acknowledge Jesus as my Lord. If the Holy Spirit works such a compulsion within me to hate this world, hate this body, and die to it, not just nominally but literally, how can I deny this confidence which I feel that God is commanding me to follow Jesus in the same way?

Some years ago, I began writing as I felt compelled. I did not write essays which were founded on research, but essays on spiritual topics which simply came to me without planning. I did not write for public for a long time, but merely because I felt compelled to write. Years went by before I shared my essays with other people. I knew my notions were radical and without currency against cognitive dissonance. I knew that if I was still a Lutheran pastor, I would be defrocked. I knew that I was locking a gate behind me, making me an outcast from all traditional Christianity. Yet, as the Big Picture continued to form more clearly in my mind, I also knew that I would gladly die before recanting the Truths of which I felt so confident. Those Truths came to me like individual pieces of a great puzzle which eventually hinted at that which I now call the Big Picture of God’s Design, His grand Plan.

What I am trying to describe is my feeling of confidence which has become my foundation and my faith, a confidence which resulted from the thrilling inspirations to write articles now on this website, and a confidence that the compulsions which motivate me are from my Father who lives in and through me. If I deny my faith, my confidence, my cross, and these inspired compulsions in order to stay in this world, what shall I do with Jesus’ question: "What is a man profited if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"

Ancient wise men from many sources have claimed that our world reality is nothing but an illusion, a deception, a "maya", a thought-form. Some scientists are now describing it as a hologram. Modern physicists have concluded that there is no such thing as a particle of matter; there is only one’s belief in matter. I’ve written much about this over the years. We might think of reality as dream which the Supreme Mind (God) is having, in which He experiences life through the figment characters He imagines. It is not quite that simple, because we know that He has given to one race of His offspring a special anointing and free will, along with the power to perceive whatever we believe to be true. He has given to another race instincts opposite from ours in order that those people might tempt us, deceive us, exploit us, and kill our mortal bodies. Our task is to recognize the Truth and to turn away from that wicked race and its deceptive world which its people (Cain, Edom, Jews) have enticed us to create. If we fear death and if we try to make the best of this great Lie, then we are indicted by the words of Jesus’ brother, James, as he said: "Do you know that friendship of the world is enmity with God? Whoever wants to be a friend of the world has made himself an enemy of God." (James 4:4)

If I accept such Bible passages as the inspired Word of God, and if I admit that these passages are all consistent in the same theme, then it is incumbent upon me to witness of my faith, to really ACT as my Father seems to be commanding, and to leave the great Lie by whatever means possible, by an enemy’s gun, my own weapon, or a fatal heart attack from God. Some people might encourage me to make the most of this life (friend of the world) until I’m nearer to a natural death, and then take some action. Isn’t that the same as telling me to be an enemy of God until the last moment before I do the radical exit which He has long commanded?

It’s all a mind-play, in which this figment of Roger must seek and find that Truth which the Father offers, and must then leap through that open door in order to REALize it. The method of death suddenly seems far less important than the act of doing what I think I’ve been called to do. I can either reject the cross or take it up and follow. If I'm objective, it really seems quite simple.

Perhaps this is the last question which I must face. How can I justify leaving my wonderful companion, my wife, to finish out her life alone? This is probably the toughest question which I must confront. Lisa has served me with full dedication; she has given much of her own self in ministry to me. We are supremely happy together. How can I be so crazy as to do such violence to our marriage as a suicide?

I guess my first answer is that she knows she is a beloved child of her Father, and she knows that she will never be without Him, her Savior, or the angels who watch over her. I do not encourage her to do what I do because it is her task to walk her own path and hear the guidance she receives. So, I would be leaving her in the loving hands of her Almighty Father.

    (Note added to this paragraph a few hours after writing it on Saturday, Feb 11th: A friend phoned us midday to tell Lisa about an incident which happened to him a few hours ago, perhaps even when I was writing this paragraph about Lisa. He said that when he was in his furnace room where he often goes to pray when he heard an audible voice saying “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” He said he has read those words in the Bible many times, but this morning he heard an audible voice, and there were a few more words, something like "Do not fear for I am with you always." Upon hearing those words, he thought of Lisa and felt compelled to phone her and tell her the message. I should mention that this man knows nothing about my suicide consideration, nor has any other reason to comfort Lisa with that message. At this writing, he still knows nothing of this topic.)

Secondly, Jesus addressed this issue in Mat 19:29, saying: "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life." You won’t hear that from preachers, but it’s there in Matthew’s gospel; Jesus did say it. Whew! It certainly isn’t easy to follow Him, or even to convince my reluctant mind that I should. The anguish of this ordeal is terrible.

Just yesterday, in a phone call from a distant friend, we touched on this subject.  I said, "if you lived in a hovel and there was a palace next door waiting for you, would you not go over to it?" He said that he wanted to enjoy the rest of his life with his family. For me, the satisfaction of wallowing in this world is decreasing, while the happy desire to go home is increasing. I feel ecstatic about that Home to which I feel so strongly called. It's a very positive motivation.

Another image that seems so very real and clear to me is that of a "pearl of great price," for which Jesus told the story of the man who found it then went and sold all that he had in order to buy it. I now know heaven to be the Spiritual dimension of consciousness, separate and distant from our dimensions of Physical mind, Emotional mind, and Intellectual mind. To REALize that heaven consciousness is to find oneself in the presence of God. IT is the "pearl of great price!" My feeling is one of ecstasy, euphoria, and clinging to it. I’m not fearful that it will disappear, but I know that I must shed this body and all earthly attachments in order to obtain it.

Another image that seems equally real for me is that of a glorious castle (mansion, palace, estate, kingdom of God) in front of me; it is in a sort of golden fog from which I can’t turn my eyes, and from which I hear a sweet voice calling. It lies across a moat of water; a diaphanous bridge is the only path to it.  The problem is that I cannot cross the bridge with this physical body; I must leave it behind and go home as a Spirit-Son, free of any worldly baggage. The vision seems so clear and so compelling to me that it really doesn’t matter how I manage to shed this body, whether by an enemy’s gun, a heart attack, or by my own gun. The only thing which does matter is my willingness and determination to shed it. I’ve tried to think of my death as a sacrificial offering, but now I realize that this body has no more value; it has been my prison. God doesn’t want it; the life which I lived was actually my offering; it was my living sacrifice. Now He just wants me to come home as His Spirit-Son. It is true that this body did serve as a temple where the Holy Spirit dwelt, and I tried to care for it accordingly, but not nearly as well as if I had fully realized the importance. But, now, our sojourn is finished here, and I can shed it like a snake sheds an old skin.

I think the most difficult mental dilemma regards my own attitude. Foremost is a joyous excitement; Heaven is in sight and I hear a sweet voice calling. I just want to charge that misty bridge, leaving the body behind without looking back. Second to that is the stigma of suicide, and because of that I feel a reluctance to do it. While I would like to share the joy of my realization with others, I do get some negative feedback. Anyone hearing me describe this notion with joy probably thinks that I’m crazy and then wonders just how far gone I am. So, it’s easier to refrain from discussing this with loved ones and friends, but to dwell simply on the things Jesus said. If Jesus really is Lord and if there really is a God, then the Truth which Jesus spoke is also real and valid. I put my faith there; and anyone else can think whatever they wish.

Another epiphany (let's call it an insight) is that old-age vision loss is a blessing, probably a part of God's design. Apparently, the problem isn't unique to modern times because it was noteworthy that Moses, in his old age, still had good eyesight. My cataracts make everything hazy, sort of foggy. I can't read books, or even street signs. I don't dare drive a vehicle. I feel more and more disconnected from the world, more withdrawn into my own thoughts. Now, I see (pun intended) that vision loss forces a person to do less activities, to accept his disconnect, to be content with his own thoughts, and to turn responsibilities over to younger generations. It forces one to be a contemplative, and that is an opening for the Holy Spirit. Again, the easy surgery of modern medical intervention is another wickedness against those whom the Father would draw closer to Himself.

Feb 17, 2012:

II Esdras was a book of the Bible until the Roman Catholic church excluded it about 1546AD at the Council of Trent. The Protestants never questioned why. It happens to be one of the most glorious revelations of messages to the prophet Ezra by the angel of the Lord. Click here for the complete text of this grand book. In chapter seven, Ezra asks what happens to the soul after death. Here is an excerpt from that conversation:

STATE OF THE DEAD BEFORE JUDGMENT

II Esdras 7:75 I answered and said, "If I have found favor in your sight, O Lord, show this also to your servant: whether after death, as soon as everyone of us yields up the soul, we shall be kept in rest until those times come when you will renew the creation, or whether we shall be tormented at once?"

76 He answered me and said, "I will show you that also, but do not include yourself with those who have shown scorn, nor number yourself among those who are tormented. 77For you have a treasure of works stored up with the Most High, but it will not be shown to you until the last times. 78 Now concerning death, the teaching is: When the decisive decree has gone out from the Most High that a person shall die, as the spirit leaves the body to return again to him who gave it, first of all it adores the glory of the Most High."

It sure does help to know something of what happens after the Spirit is set free from the body.

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